Miss Wilhelmina

*Sigh*

I failed in the exams that I supposedly prepared for almost six months. Truth is, I actually haven’t prepared for the exam. All I have been doing is preparing to prepare myself for the exam. I hope that made sense.

I’ve been very vocal about not wanting to take part in the exam. I’m not actually planning on practicing what I went back to school for two and a half years. So I pretty much wasted all that time going to school for nothing. Well, not entirely for nothing. I wanted to learn something new, which I did, and I wanted to have another valid ID with my current signature.

Looks like I’m not getting that ID anytime soon. Unless I pass the upcoming exam in November. Nobody’s really asked me how I felt when I found out that I didn’t pass the exam. I asked one of my friends how she was going to feel if she failed it, and she said that she would really cry, because she really wanted to become a licensed engineer. I told her that if I passed, then it would be a great blessing, and that if I failed, there’s always the next exam to take.

Honestly, I didn’t feel anything. I’ve been wanting to screw up for once bigtime and thankfully, this is the the screw-up that I was looking for to get me back up on my feet. It was kinda like a wake up call. I knew I can do way better than what I did on the exam, but I just didn’t try and instead, I indulged in being lazy.

I have never failed any of my college subjects before and failing the biggest exam at this point of my life should crush me, but I’m beyond that already. I already knew what I was getting myself into. The only thing that concerned me was my father’s reaction to knowing that I failed.

He was angry. He didn’t talk to me for about an hour or so. He actually drove away from home in time to pick my mom up from work, just before he could’ve started asking unanswerable questions such as, “How did you fail?”, “Why did you fail?” or so. And it was actually good that he left because he could’ve started putting angry blames on me as to how I failed, and he could’ve said words that he would regret later. That’s just how he is, he just can’t stop himself sometimes and he regrets them right after he hurts someone.

I’ve always wondered how it was like to disappoint my family. You must think I’m horrible to even imagine that. By actually failing that exam, everything feels more real now. I’ve tried something new. Let’s just leave it as me being weird.

I’ve disappointed more than just my family. Failing that exam humbled me once again. It feels nice to be able to step back on earth again. I’ve been held up on a pedestal by the family and some friends that made me, well, obnoxious. I knew the failure was enough to dispel that, so now I can walk amongst everybody else and do whatever I want to do.