Miss Wilhelmina

Wow, not even a week old and the blogger’s going on a vacation. What gives? Actually, it’s not a vacation that I’m about to go on. I’d like to call it a journey or a quest to attain something that I really want to go through just once.

What is it, you ask?

In a month’s time, I will be one of the God-knows-how-many hopefuls that are going to be taking the examinations for the Civil Engineering board. Yes, I went through Civil Engineering, the same degree that William Hung was taking while he auditioned for American Idol. Funny how I still managed to get this post American Idol related—sorta.

Anyway, looking back on what I have been doing for the past six months, yes, I’ve been reviewing for six months, I realized that I’m nowhere near my capability to do my best. I can seriously do a whole lot better than what I’m doing now. I’m not the smartest person in the world, but I can make people think that I am super-smart even though I’m not. Call me a good actor, if you will.

So right now, I’m pretty much freaked out. I have been on the laptop since I got home at 6 in the evening, ate my dinner in front of it, posted the entry before this one, and promised myself that I would get off at 8 in the evening. Well, guess what? It’s 5:16 in the morning and I haven’t gotten off this thing yet.

Like, really, I feel so pathetic right now. I know what I’m supposed to be doing, but why can’t I get myself to do it? Why won’t I just instill some good old self-discipline into my system before it’s too late? I don’t wanna take the exam twice. I never wanted to take it in the first place! But since I already got my degree in it, I might as well close this chapter of my life and get a professional license along with it.

Anyway, how in the world am I going to live without the Internet? I basically feel and breathe through it. Sad, I know, really pathetic. I have a life, but refuse to live it. I already know the whole crap, so even if people start lecturing me, it’s just gonna go out the other ear. I’m old enough to know what’s right or wrong in my life and for me, I just refuse to do it. It’s all about choices. I need serious help, but I can’t find that here and since nobody around here can help, I’m gonna start kicking myself and do it myself.

I can’t contact my boyfriend via anything else except through the Internet and well, frankly, phone calls are gonna suck us both dry if we even tried that. My blogs are not gonna make it without me updating, but I just gotta forget about the whole Internet stuff for an entire month and just come back with a bang, if I can.

Now, umm, to tell the truth, I just decided on this just now, so my BF doesn’t really know it yet. He’s at work right now. I just left him a message about this and that’s it. But before I change my mind, I have to get off right now.

I have one favor to ask all those who are going to read this though. Please, please help me through all this, since I’m feeling like I’m slipping back into depression and feel like I’m going Britney Spears. I do not wanna end up like a trainwreck. Really, I feel like I’m about to go in that direction, only I don’t have paps on my tail all the time. I’m supposedly a role model and right now, the pressure of having that image is building up and feels like it’s about to explode. I don’t want to have to disappoint anybody. At least not yet. Not right now. I will probably disappoint someone in the future, but not now. This is a critical moment for me.

Help me by keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you all.